Words by Sienna Sulicich
The horror stories about all the different forms of birth control are enough to freak out anyone. The Pill used to be the only ‘safe’ one. Until now. We somehow only discovered the arm-length list of side-effects hidden in the packet about a year ago — crazy, I know. It’s just expected that women will bear that burden. And so, at the ripe old age of sixteen, I was put on The Pill. It was scary and it was wrongly liberating. I wasn’t liberated from anything really, I was just given another responsibility.
My periods weren’t physically terrible before being on The Pill, but they were emotionally horrendous. My severe anxiety mixing with these new hormonal influxes was a recipe for disaster. Throw a foreign tablet into the mix and what could possibly go wrong?
Around my periods, my panic disorder continued to flare-up and I couldn’t go a period without a subsequent breakdown… or two, or three. It wasn’t as bad as before being on contraception, but it was still majorly impacting me. I told this to my doctor, after he was concerned that my anxiety wasn’t improving, and he recommended that I simply skip my periods.
Light shone from the sky — cue the cherubs, harps, all that shit. I could just ??? not have a period? Amazing, thanks Doc, adios.
It didn’t quite go like that, but a girl can dream. My Mum was concerned, everyone was concerned, and I had a lot of questions. Am I going to inflate with blood until it starts spewing from my stomach? Am I going to be permanently infertile? Does this mean I can buy sexy undies now?
The answer is no — do not do this, especially without the go-ahead from a healthcare professional.
It’s been a few years since that talk, and it’s safe to say that this experiment hasn’t come without its consequences.
My body does not like getting its period but, more than that, it hates not getting its period. Phantom period pain and hormonal spikes still happen monthly, and every few months my body will just bleed anyway, begging me to release all that I’ve kept from it. Unfortunately, this release is emotional too.
So, every three months, once my body and mind start begging me to let go, I have my period. I have never been more empty or deeply alone than when I’m on my period after a long stint without it. It’s so ridiculous to think that this bodily function can rip away all the hard work I’ve put into my mental wellbeing. Suddenly, I’m on the edge again, ready to give it all away.
I’m weighing it up, the cost of it. I know The Pill has somewhat saved my life before, but I also know that I can’t keep doing this. Three month scheduled major breakdowns or monthly, potentially-major breakdowns? Or do I try going off The Pill again and see if I don’t want to die as much as I did the last time I tried?
Each person using contraception has to find their own way, and see what works for their body. Unfortunately, it’s not an easy path. The research I’ve done has pointed me all over the place, and it has not given me a definitive answer.
The sacrifices made by people using contraception and the intense effects these drugs or devices have on bodies and minds is not to be overlooked. Contraception is not a given, and it is not easy.
I don’t know what I will do, but I will consult my doctor about it first. Please be careful, and please be wary before you start taking contraception, for whatever reason that is. Young AFAB do not need this intense pressure to be put on such a life-changing drug.
On Dit 